I see things a little brighter than most people.

I am talking physically here. I see colors more vividly than most people. I see color more vividly than my own camera. One of my great frustrations when I began to take pictures is that they always looked dull to me, flat, lacking the life that drew me to the image in the first place. It was terribly frustrating to me. I often asked myself what I was doing wrong? What little bit of expertise kept me from capturing what I saw?

It wasn’t until a few years ago that I learned some people are like me – that they see brighter and more vividly than others. The fact was, people liked my pictures. They liked the color and light and line of them. They liked the emotions they evoked. They just were not what I was seeing. That wasn’t particularly good or bad, it just was.

And if, like in my poetry, if the idea was to capture something I was seeing, something I was experiencing, I wasn’t doing it well.

Thank goodness for Photoshop. Or in my case Paint Shop Pro. With software I was able to experiment and I learned how to make images be much closer to what I actually see. I discovered that of the hundreds of variables available, it’s the saturation of color I see differently. And with software I can add saturation to get an image to where I see it. It’s a precise setting. Twenty six percent more saturated. So my software stays at 26% and when I capture an image I think is worth sharing, it gets my 26% solution applied.

I find myself wondering sometimes which is more honest – the picture as it is captured by a camera and array of lenses that are carefully engineered to be accurate and true, or the picture as I add my twenty six percent solution.

I suppose the answer has to do with what honesty I am trying to share. If the idea is to document what I see, then perhaps the unsaturated images are more honest. And since much of my professional photography has been to document things, I generally don’t apply my solution to those pictures. But if the purpose is to honestly share what I see, then to leave off my twenty six percent becomes a lie of omission.

 The same is true of my writing. I do some writing that is more about facts and stories and simply telling. But I also write about feelings and emotions and things of the spirit and soul. Each need to have a different set of filters applied to them to make them “true”.

 I have been battling a re-assertion of my depression the past year. After years away, I went back to counseling to help me plow through to the other side. It’s a lot different this time because I have been through this a couple of times in my life and I know this time that there actually IS the other side and that I will get there. I also have some of the tools and knowledge to pro-actively do something about it instead of simply being a victim of it.

 But it is still depression. For ages it has been hard to even function. I did. I got my work done. I wrote. I did things in church. I helped my friends and took care of my kids But it was all a struggle. After months of counseling, it has become less of a struggle. To those on the outside, I am “well”. I know the truth though – I am simply better, on the mend.

 Because, and this took me a while to learn too – that in my life, my energy and positiveness was also slightly more than most people. I woke in a flash, full of energy and purpose. I saw my life as better than it likely was. I found more joy in little things than little people. I was unrelentingly positive. Even when confronted with flaws, I saw the positive. In a way, I have come to think of it as another 26% solution. It wasn’t better, but it FELT better because of the way I saw it.

 So I find that better, the better place I am in right now, is only a way station. At least I hope it is. There was a time I was content to be functional, then later to be better. But now, I am not satisfied with being OK. I want the full abundant life that I experienced. I want to be able to see and experience my life the way I see and experience color. Twenty six percent more vibrantly.

 So the journey continues. The repair and the work and the tinkering continues. The last steps are not easier than the first ones. They all take effort and mindfulness. But they are all steps towards something worth having. And I am glad the journey is moving in the right direction right now. I have an immense gratefulness for that.

 That’s a big part of what I feel at this stage in my life – gratefulness.

 No, everything in life is not as I would wish it in a perfect world. In fact, broken down into categories, more things are probably NOT as I would have them than ARE the way I would like them to be. But the trajectories are good. There is progress on many fronts. There are things I can do about some of them that makes the fact that there is little I can do about the others more bearable. And because the trajectories are good, I see my life as good, probably 26% better than it really is.

 But that’s how I see. I’ll live with it. In fact, I like that about myself, I think. I like my 26 per cent solution.

Tom

PS – the picture is of a marble tabletop in Rupert Congregationalist Church, in the next town over from here.  You can click on it for a larger version.