Let’s get this straight right now. I am not a calm person.

People are always telling me I have a calming influence. Back when I worked for others, I was always being thrust into flammable situations because of my perceived calmness. That same calmness is one of the reasons I have been pushed into leadership positions throughout my life.

But you need to know the truth. I am not a calm person. When left to its own devices, my mind runs a million miles a second. My emotions run a million miles a second. There’s way too much going on in there. Buddhists, when they talk about meditation, tell us we have to push back the “monkey mind” to get to that place of calm. The monkey mind is that part of our mind that wanders and inserts itself into our consciousness at the very time that we are trying to empty ourselves. Well, on that scale my mind is a Hyperactive on crack cocaine and meth (at the same time), psycho madman monkey mind”

Now and then, on very rare occasions, having that kind of brain is useful. Like in crisis situations where there are a lot of moving parts to a situation that have to be dealt with and juggled at once. But trust me, those are rare. The other 98% of the time, a brain like mine is a real hindrance. In fact so much stuff can pile up in my brain that it’s like living in a tornado, with everything whirling around, so much stuff that it’s hard to see an of it, or make sense of any of it. So of course, when you ask me “What are you thinking?”, I am likely to say “Nothing.” Because too much is the same as nothing. There’s nothing I can grasp hold of.

And that is my brain on a normal day. Throw a whole lot of extra stress and emotion into the mix and I am dang near overload. I practically shut down. I just can’t process it any more and that three pounds of electrical circuits and little grey cells throw up their hands and say “Too much. We’re done. Check in later while we catch up.”

When I say I process things slowly…. that’s what I mean.

I’ve finally learned to deal with it, at least the day to day part. Thanks to a wonderful therapist a few years ago, I discovered meditation. Oh how I sucked at it for the longest time. You can’t imagine. Shutting my brain down to restore itself was like telling that locomotive that is barreling down on you to put on the brakes as it charges downhill, without brakes, on a track that has been greased. But I stuck with it and over time, it really did make a difference.

I now start my day with it. And often, maybe two or three times a day, I stop and slow myself down. When I feel things around me going crazy, I go out of my way to slow myself down.

It’s work. In fact, it’s pretty hard work, at least for me.

And as a result, I LOOK calm most of the time. What I am is WORKING at calm. It is not a natural state, It was once perhaps, but I lost it.

Now and again, the crack head monkey is still has his way with me. Day to day I put things in their place. I calm myself down. I take all the emotions of life that most people handle just fine, and put them in their proper place, sometimes with poetry or writing, sometimes with art, sometimes ranting in my journal. It works pretty well. Until, of course, it doesn’t.

I still get overwhelmed sometimes. I did last night. Yep, that danged monkey got himself a Mack truck right out of Mad Max and ran me over, then backed up and did it again. My poor brain didn’t have a chance. Fortunately it was New Year’s Eve and basically it was me and the cat, who very patiently (and therapeutically) sat on my lap while I laid on the sofa and stared into space waiting for the tornado to settle down. It pretty much took till this morning to happen.

I looked calm. Probably totally zen. Still. Eyes closed. Petting the cat. For, oh, five hours or so.

Oh but the stuff in my head! Every heard a maniac monkey laugh as he grabs the gearshift knob on his Mack truck? That would have been my head last night.

All is well. The storm always slows down. The monkey never wins. Never. Because I’ve learned how to deal with him.

Frankly, I like the zen. I like it a lot. I really want to be a calm person. I do. I am nowhere near where I want to be, but when I manage to grasp it, I am one happy old guy.

But I have learned we can learn calmness. If I can, anyone can. If I have any lesson, any encouragement to others with heads like mine, that would be the lesson. There’s a path to calmness. It’s work but it is so worth it. And you don’t have to be anything special to do it. Just persistent.

Have a blessed New Year my friends. I’m off. I can hear the monkey in the background. I think he’s cursing.

Be well. Travel wisely,

Tom