Good evening my friend.

Oh, you’re a pretty lousy friend, I’ll give you that. You lie to me at every turn, and you never have anything positive to say. You really should have killed me when you had a chance, when I was so broken down and weak and confused and hurt. You could have. Heaven knows you have done others in. Lots of them. Oh, you never got on the death certificate, but any of us who know you knew who the culprit was.

I have to give you an “A” for persistence. It’s been well over a decade now since you took over parts of my brain. short circuited my joy and began having your way with me. And you’ve hung in there the whole time. No matter what I do, you are right there lurking, waiting for that next opportunity to whack away at me. That persistence has been hard for me to deal with. At heart, I am a simple guy. I just want to do my writing and art, do my work, love the people dear to me. Simple stuff. I like life simple.

You have robbed me of that simplicity. I have to look at every negative thought to make sure it’s legit or not (some are, after all.). I have to look at every emotion too, to see which ones are just feelings, and which ones are you lurking with your dagger-like lies. Every thought. Every emotion. Do you have any idea how exhausting that can be?

And here you’ve snuck up on me again. My fault. I let my guard down. Things were cruising along so nicely. I got sloppy. I took my medication, but I forgot that is only part of the armor. I got comfortable. And you snuck right in. It had been so long, months maybe, that I began to believe you had surrendered.

But you never do, do you? You snuck back in and for a while, I wasn’t sure what was wrong. I just knew something was. It took me a while to recognize you. Hard to imagine, isn’t it? After twelve or fourteen years, you’d think I’d know you as well as I know myself.

That’s OK. I’m on to you now. The armor’s back on and I’ll beat you back like I have every other time.

I wasn’t kidding though, when I called you my friend. Because of you, I’ve grown stronger. I had to. I’ve grown more mindful. I had to. I know myself way better than I ever had any intention of. I probably know my good sides and my flaws better than anyone alive. even those who have been your allies. I’ve learned to open up, to share my struggle and guess what? People get it. They have shared their love and propped me up when I needed it, Ha! And all that time you told me to be ashamed. I’ve regained my spirituality, thanks to you, and even if I was as weak as you make me out to be, the big guy always wins.

Yes, it’s a lot more work dealing with you and making sure you’re back in your cage day in and day out. I get tired of sticking the muzzle on you every morning. But doing it day in and day out has made me stronger. I know your moves and you haven’t introduced a new lie in years and years. I pretty much know them by heart now, and when I hear them…. I know who’s talking. And it’s not me. And it’s certainly not truth.

So back into the cage with you. Yes, I know you slink out every night. But I also know what I did not know for so long. You’re a coward. You’re a bully. You can’t stand up to the truth. You can’t stand up to those who fight back. You only win when people surrender. And when I am diligent, and waggle my sword, you slink back where you belong.

Nice try though. I would say better luck next time, but there’s no luck involved. It’s got nothing to do with you. You’ve thrown your worst at me. You don’t get weaker, but I am getting stronger. And I will keep getting stronger.  You have made me become tougher than you.  I have reasons to live. People who love me. Good work yet to do. Joy, yes you heard me right, joy to experience.

So deal with it. I’ll see you again in the morning, sword in hand. I’ll enjoy seeing you skulk.

Tom