My poetry is an imperfect history of who and where I am.
At times, I am writing about the here and now, but just as often, I and reflecting back to remembered feelings. Heck, sometimes I shift emotional gears all in a day and what I may write can change as the day progresses.
Yesterday, I wrote in my journal:
I am feeling very neither fish nor fowl this morning. Like I do not belong wholly in any of my lives. Work. Ministry. Art. Husband. Business Guy. Depressed guy. Warrior. Spiritual soul. Such a long list. Too much for here.
How simple it would be to be simpler. To throw myself into one life or another. To be wholly a minister or a sensual creature. To focus wholly on the art world, or go back to the TV world. To adore ballet or boxing. Would I have progressed further in life? Maybe. At least on one front or another. And yet, oddly, I feel more honest, more myself, being this strange mix, full of contradictions,
I have given up trying to reconcile the different sides of me. Trying to make it all make sense, or feeling like I should apologize for one part to the other part. I don’t know if that is good or not. I have come to be OK with the mere fact that I will never be whole unless I allow myself to be full of contradictions and accept it.
Would my life be significantly different if I went all-in on one side of me or the other? Of course it would. But it would also create in me pressures that would eventually build up and cause a breakdown of sorts. I know that. I lived that when I was younger. It did not turn out well. No, I am happier now, despite the seeming conflicts. They (the conflicts) seem easier to manage than just cutting off parts of me to make myself more single-minded in my life.
I wonder sometimes, how many others feel that way? I’m betting it’s more than we realize.
Be well. Travel wisely,