I Have Cancer

desk-2 (1)

You hear the words. It takes a moment to sink in.

My doctor is not the kind of guy to mince words or give false hope. “I can tell you, even before the biopsy, that you have cancer.” he said. A quick body blow, and then you get up and get to work.

It is prostate cancer.  But there’s good news with prostate cancer. It’s highly curable. It grows and spreads slower than other cancers. It tends not, until the final stages, to spread to other places. I’ve read the studies. I know the numbers. It should be fine. I should be fine.

Still, they said after the biopsy, it’s aggressive. No time to waste. “You are young.” the doc said. “You are in good shape. You want this taken care of so you can go on with life.”

Damn straight.

I am fortunate. I have health insurance. I have a doctor who is not a waster of words trying to make me feel good. He’s a truth-teller. He’s young himself and pushes things through. Part of the reason we chose him, though he is a few hours away, is that he could make the biopsy happen fast. He got back to us fast. He’s making the surgery happen literally as fast as possible. (You have to wait a few weeks for the biopsy to heal.). The next few weeks will be a flurry of scans, tests, rehab sessions and pre-op tests.

He’s a truth-teller. Unapologetic, whether the news is good or bad. I respect that. I trust people who deliver bad news without apology, because I feel I can then trust the good news.

The good news is that there is no evidence anything has spread beyond the prostate itself. We have to do scans to make certain, but he feels comfortable enough that is not an issue to tell me so. And because of the matter of fact brutalness of his delivery of bad news, I trust that.

Still, it’s cancer. I get that. I know what that word does to our spirit.

I can remember a fight I was in when I was in high school. The other guy was bigger than me, a lot bigger than me. He got in a solid punch right in the gut. Knocked me flat. Knocked the air right out of me.

Somehow I got up. By the time the fight was finished, he was the loser. The skinny guy picked him apart.

I’m used to being underestimated. I’m used to winning against the odds. This will be no different. So far at least, after the body blow of bad news after body blow of bad news, of hearing and learning more about the cancer than I ever wanted to know, I have just gotten up.

It’s become a logistics problem for me. How to fit in all the appointments and deal with a couple of post-op weeks when I can’t do squat, while keeping all life’s balls in the air, or at least as many as I can. How to still live life to the fullest knowing there’s this thing in me, this cancer.

It takes me time to process things. Regular readers know this. I write about it often. When it comes to emotions, I am a bit slow. It’s one of my faults. But for this, it’s likely something of a blessing. I’ve never gotten down over it. I’ve had time to let the facts percolate as my feelings emerged.

“It’s cancer. It’s fatal. Cancer is always fatal.” That’s what your emotions think.

“Only it’s not. In fact this kind of cancer is hardly ever fatal.” That’s what my mind knows. By now it knows all the facts and figures and statistics. Trust me, I could bore you to death with them.

But I won’t.

I am fine. That’s what you need to know. I feel great. I have no symptoms. Had it not been for a regular checkup, I’d never have any idea this was going on. (So go get a checkup already!).  I trust the doctors. I have people around me who love me and pray for me and I believe in the power of love and prayer just as much as I believe in the abilities of medical science.

I’m not spending much time worrying. Some people around me think I should worry more.

I feel great. People see me and ask with trepidation “How do you feel?”.  I feel great. I will feel great until October 14th, when they do the surgery. Then I will feel lousy for a couple of weeks, and not so great for about six weeks. Maybe a little less because according to the doc, I am young (relative to the age of most people who get this) and vigorous. (The doc says that counts.)

Then, I will feel great again.

It’s been humbling. You don’t know how much people care about you till something like this happens. I have only begun telling people and the notes and calls and emails and such are flocking in. For an introvert like me, it’s an astonishing thing to know you matter to so many. Yeah, I feel humble. That love will carry me through those few rough weeks, trust me. I am grateful.

It’s been a test of faith. I have discovered I am not much of a “Why me?” kind of guy. I’ve discovered that my faith has muscles. I feel, not weak, but strong because I can lean on the love of a God and love of his people. Because of that, I don’t have to BE strong. I can just be.

It’s cancer. I know that. I know the possibilities. But I know the odds. I know my body. I know the power of love and prayer. I know the medical science (They are doing robotic surgery. How cool is that?).

So bear with me. I may disappear a few days here and there. I may dwell on thoughts brought on by all this. It’s kind of on my mind.

And if you are the praying kind, keep those cards and prayers coming. They matter.

I’ve been through some rough things in the past. I’ve come close to dying in the past, closer than this cancer will take me. One of the things about going through those things is that they leave you with a sense of “I got through that. I’ll get through this.” I no longer need to know just how I will get through it to know I will get through it.

And unlike the times in the past, I’ve finally learned not to let what might be take away my joy of what I have. Nothing, not even cancer, gets to steal my joy of the now. I am blessed with the woman I love, my second chance at love and marriage. I am blessed with great kids. Two entertaining cats. Good food and coffee. Rewarding and fascinating work. Evenings on the front porch, and so much more. I will not let the prognosis or that word, cancer, rob me of those joys.

A few weeks of misery after the surgery is bad enough. I won’t be miserable for the whole time before and after. There’s life to lead and be grateful for and I’m not wasting any of it.

I have cancer. And I’ll have it till I don’t. And then I won’t.

Life goes on. I’m one of the lucky ones, because it’s a good life. It was before and it will be after.

Be well. Travel wisely,

Tom

22 comments

  1. You are a very wise man, Tom, it is good to see you are grateful for the life, you have faith and God is beside you, my prayers are for you everyday, you are getting over it 🙂 God bless you always ❤

    • I am not sure about the wise part – I’ve made every mistake in the book. But I DO learn from them. Life is good. God is good. And I am blessed with praying friends like you.

  2. Very sorry you have to go through this. It seems like you’ve got it beat already but I send you my best wishes and positive thoughts. Those things always help more than one would expect. I shall be thinking of you.

  3. Am and will be thinking of you but I feel good about your prospects ! Being in relative good shape, strong spirit, and a top notch medical team – you got this !!!!

  4. Tom, I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through all this ! You are in my prayers. I think of you as being strong in spirit. God will walk with you as you draw from his strength. My brother had the same type of cancer years ago. He’s doing well. Love and blessings!

  5. Tom, my friend:
    Have been through this myself; robotic surgery 15 months ago; 2 weeks of “recovery” and then back to most daily activity. So, I believe and have faith that you can do as well.
    My prayers will be with you during this period of anxious waiting to be on the other side of knowing it’s over.

  6. Tom,
    I will hold you in my prayers, as I know God will see you through this time, in your life,
    as he always has.
    I will be thinking of you, and your family.
    Love, and blessings,
    Catherine

  7. You are truly an amazing Spirit filled person. You already have the battle won. Just have to walk through it. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. Your positive attitude does so much for the rest of us who are worried about you. Yes, Tom I believe you have this under control. Carolyn and Roger

  8. Tom, Bonny and I pray that you will heal from the surgery quickly and as painlessly as possible and be cancer free afterwards.

Leave a Reply to Rosana Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s